I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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