I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
