I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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