i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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