the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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