all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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