So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
