you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
