Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
