True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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