last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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