just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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