I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
