never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
