we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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