there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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