Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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