remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
