That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
