Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
3 2 1 whiskey
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
