My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
