i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
