Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
