your thong is hanging out like whoa
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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