They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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