i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
