On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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