i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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