I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
