tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
