I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
