At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
