Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Randomize
