i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
