So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
