yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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