I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
