you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
