Sry I called you an 8
My friends, they love my intelligence
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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