Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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