wrigley field is MILF paradise
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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