the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
