OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
