I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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