You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
