i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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