It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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