So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
