Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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