i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Farmville is her only friend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
