evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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