Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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